Should I Clean Out Your Septic Tank Too?

After a storm: Could you check my house and make sure the trees / pool / deck furniture are ok? Could you go inside and be sure the pipes didn't freeze/the heat or ac is on? 

During the week: Could you take in my packages/newspapers/mail? I only come out on weekends. 

Any day: Could you accept a delivery for me at your house and bring it to mine? Could you let the plumber/ painter/housekeeper /electrician in? If you see my loose dog running around, I'm out to dinner/lunch/shopping, so could you grab him/her, put on a leash and bring him home/keep him/her at YOUR house until I get home?

Yes, we live here year-round. Yes, we are friendly with all our neighbors. And we don't mind doing things for our CLOSE friends or in an emergency ... but we are NOT your unpaid house-watchers. 

There are a lot of folks who DO that for a living out here BECAUSE there are so many weekenders/vacationers/summer folks ... so FIND one and PAY them to be sure your stuff is done. I HAVE a job and a family and a house to take care of and YOU are  NOT part of that trio!

- The Watcher

Yo Adrian...check out this outdoor ring

Hearing from a reliable source that down in Springs there are backyard boxing matches being held on a regular basis. In a clearing behind a house the spectators line up and two dudes punch each other to a bloody finish.

- The Editor

Involuntary Birdwatching In Springs

I told my neighbor that he had to move a shed that he built on my property. He said it wasn't bothering anyone. In order to protect my property rights, I sent him a certified letter demanding that he remove the shed and not encroach on my property anymore.

The following morning, 6:30 AM, I found him painting the fence that is right across from my front door.

Now, his wife goes down the driveway, flipping the bird!

Check out the photo on Facebook - click here

- Sad in Springs

Puppy Poop and Profanities In Your Own Backyard

I have a story for you.

Last weekend (Labor Day Weekend) my husband was outside in our yard walking our 10 week old puppy. Of course, like puppies do, he peed and pooped.

A car came screaming down our short dead end road, turned around in MY driveway, then had the nerve to stop and ask my husband if he was going to "clean" up after his dog.

Ummmm, 1st off, it's our yard, of course we are. 2nd, it's none of your business.

The passenger in the car proceeded to YELL at my husband because he said, "It's my yard, it's ok."

She screamed profanities at my husband and then had the nerve to ask, "is this what you teach your son?" (oh, yeah, my 8 year old son was outside to).

They then sped off down the road. We then decided to take a walk only to run into this obnoxious couple forcing other people to hurry up and get up from a table in front of the Golden Pear in Bridgehampton. My husband just smiled at them and said "have a good day."

Some people are so rude.

- VT

How to protect yourself from being sodomized by your customers

Warning to all pool companies out there...if someone from Springwood Lane in East Hampton calls you to start pool service...do yourself a favor and forget it. Mr. Non-Stereotypical Summer Gay Man is looking to simply bounce from pool company to pool company without paying! This piece of crap had me open his pool late June, with a winter cover so threadbare that it resembles a frock he might wear (had it been custom-fit).

Two weeks later, house is rented (for big $$$ he tells me, of course it is). The pool is clear, but continues to be a chartreuse green.

Why, you ask?

Because this dildo keeps putting the hose in the pool from a location that is not filtered, after being repeatedly told that he should NOT do that because the unfiltered water from his well, contains metals (you can see the rust shoot out of the hose into the pool), it reacts with the pool chemicals & look...a green pool.

Next, asswipe decides my bill "is too high" (he had given me a bad credit card to process and guess what, it came back - DECLINED!!!)

Oh, and he had hired me because he didn't need to have "sexy young Latino men parading around his homosexual home".  But then proceeds to make complaints & excuses (after the pool is open and billed) to piss me off and basically tells me that he is letting me go.

Oh really?!

Not so fast jerk!

I am taking this cheap s.o.b. to Small Claims court, where I WILL get my money, for services rendered PLUS court costs.

Eff me?

No, eff you dude.

This happens all the time out here & people won't usually pursue it. He's messed with the wrong company. Take note others...those that have been screwed, there is something you can do - those who are doing the screwing...your day is coming.

- The Pool Guy

Potential Extreme Dune Rudeness to be examined

Looks like the Town of East Hampton is going after the alleged dune clearing at Ron Baron's estate.

"The East Hampton Town Board has authorized the town to “take any and all action to correct any and all violations” committed on the Further Lane property of Ron Baron, where a protected sand dune was allegedly razed so that a retaining wall could be built."

Happy Holidays!

Yes really means no in the Hamptons

TO ALL of my Hamptons fair-weather friends......

I just want you to know that I think it was so incredibly rude that most of those who were invited did not show up at my boyfriends birthday bash this past weekend. I am wondering why people think it's socially acceptable to say "I'll try/will do my best to make it" when invited to a party! This is what so many people said even though I called them 3 weeks in advance. OK, I know, it's the Hamptons and on August weekends there are zillions of things to do. We all know you guys are keeping your options open so that if something better comes along, you will certainly attend that instead of our party, but optimistically we still planned for just about everyone to come. (Unless there is some formula or rule of thumb for Hamptons parties that we just don't know about?????)
 
How about this next time:  upon being invited to a party, unless you give a firm and resolute YES, why not instead say "I just can't make it". Period.  And if nothing better comes along, you can then show up at our party - hey, surprise us - and be gracious and bring a bottle. This way we don't get stuck with food for 60 when only 20 show up, and get stuck with the enormous cost of the food, booze and two helpers like we just were. Better to be short on food but have enough booze for these non-committal types, huh!
 
PS: For my next party - it's a bag of chips and a jar of salsa. Expect nothing else but I will never skimp on the booze. Hey, we have enough liquor now for 3 more parties, I am trying to look at the bright side of things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Bathing In Liquor

GoodFellas in the Hamptons

No matter how big a guy might be, Nicky would take him on. You beat Nicky with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, because he'll keep comin' back and back until one of you is dead. - Ace Rothstein in Casino

A working man on a normal mission of delivering his truckload of wood chips had to drive down a shared driveway to the customer. Unfortunately there were three houses sharing this one driveway. At this point the driver wasn't sure which was the right house. He stopped his truck to find out, during that time one of the homeowners came out and started banging on the truck.

The driver stepped out of his truck and asked what the problem was. The man didn't like his truck on the shared driveway. It was tearing it up. The driver told him, "Look, I need to drop off these wood chips. Just doing my job."

The irate man leaves, only to return with a baseball bat with which he started hitting the truck. The driver opened the door holding a tire iron and said, "You want to get rough?"

At this point the man backs off and calls the police. The police then told him wielding bats is not the way to resolve these kinds of situations.

The Editor - I was told this story in a bar over the weekend. What was Batman thinking? Is a yuppie desk worker really any match for a guy who hauls heavy materials and does manual work? Maybe he just finished watching Casino in his home theater.

Random Act of Kindness

I live in East Hampton and for some reason people find my driveway a convenient place to stop and talk on their cell phone. This action blocks my egress.

The other day I was driving out to leave and sure enough a lady had pulled up to talk on her cell phone on my driveway.

I decided to walk over and ask this lady why she was parking there. I told her I was just curious as why my driveway is so popular, because many other people use it as well.

Much to my surprise she apologized profusely and I thought that would be the end of it.

About an hour later she returned with a bouquet of flowers. WOW!

She bought flowers to apologize. I was completely shocked and thought this would be a good story to submit showing that not everyone in the Hamptons is rude.

- J

Men in black leave trash behind

The day Elie Tahari had their grand opening in East Hampton a silver car parked on Pantago Road (Main Street) near my residence. The occupants were dressed all in black.

Black shoes, black pants, black undershirts, and black dress shirts.

They came and went from their car all day long, even though it was one hour parking.

Right before I left for work, I noticed one of the MIB walking back from IGA with bags of groceries.

Upon returning later that night I noticed a box of trash left on the road right where their car used to be. The box was filled with empty Gatorade and beer cans.

I'm not sure if the MIB left the trash behind, but it would seem logical.

- Conspiracy Theorist

Call Of The Wild Taxi

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I'm enjoying a brew after hanging out under my car all day and a lazy All Hamptons taxi driver has turned around in my driveway twice now and continues to drive by the neighbors house honking his horn looking for his fare!!

Why can't this guy get out of the car and knock on the damn door?!

- B