Thursday, December 28, 2006

Rude Hamptons Vocabulary

We want to wish everyone a Happy Holiday and Happy New Year.

The Rude Hamptons are in the process of collecting the Rude Hamptons Vocabulary list.

Cit-idiot - Idiot from the city

Tour-on - Moron tourist

Please share your vocabulary words in the comments below.


Friday, November 24, 2006

Naughty Naughty

So I was driving West on County Road 39A in the middle of the "trade parade" rush hour at 5:00 PM. The traffic was bumper to bumper. As I was approaching a stoplight I noticed a red Dodge Viper anxiously wanting to merge into traffic from the Omni Health and Racquet Club parking lot. At the time I figured I was running late and I didn't see the need to let him into traffic, considering I had the right of way anyway. So I passed by him without letting him in. Next thing I know, I see the same Dodge Viper screeching up beside me down the middle turning lane.

He rolls down his window and screams "YOU MOTHER F***ING WHORE!!!".

Then he spits in my general direction (getting most of the spit on his own leather seats), and cuts me off, merging back into the barely moving traffic. I then get to follow his obnoxious ass through another half hour of bumper to bumper traffic. I can only imagine what this guy would have done if I actually did something wrong!

- Sue

Saturday, November 11, 2006

The Self-Checkout Prince

I was shopping in the East Hampton Waldbaums the other day, waiting in line at a regular cashier. In the next line over was a man who was waiting for the self-checkout.

I guess the lines were getting long, which prompted Waldbaums to open up another cashier line.

At this point this man starts to scream, "I've been waiting in line for twenty minutes, why don't you take the people waiting the longest?"

"I want to talk to the manager who runs this place!"

Note to readers: He's still in the self-checkout line. It's now his turn to check himself out.

He starts to checkout and has trouble scanning his Wall Street Journal.

"I'm never shopping here again!!"

A lady behind me replies to him, "Good, it's not like the store it going to close."


Saturday, November 4, 2006

Check out my granny panties

Compared to some of the places I've worked in The Hamptons my job this summer doesn't seem to attract the most extreme type of obnoxious customer, but this morning was an exception worth noting.

Occasionally adult women come in shopping for themselves rather than their children, and shockingly the clothes sometimes fit-- for example: the 40 something, clearly anorexic woman who came in with her husband today. First she interrupted me while I was clearly in the middle of helping another customer--just your standard hamptons obnoxiousness.

Then when I attempted to answer her question, she interrupted my answer with another question...repeatedly for 5 minutes-- bite your tongue she'll leave soon obnoxiousness.

When we finally found a pair of jeans that didn't have sequins, embroidered hearts or other details clearly designed with a child in mind she went to the fitting room to try them on. 'Perfect' she said, I'll wear them now, and she handed me the tag. As I started to ring her up she wandered away from the counter to shop some more-- totally expected obnoxiousness, everyone's doing it these days.

She chooses a few pair of girls socks, and puts them on the counter. 'Are those all the socks?' she asks as I start to ring them up. I show her where the boys socks are, and she decides to get them instead. As I am deleting the girls socks and ringing up the boys socks, she takes off her shoes and socks so she can put the new ones on, meanwhile tossing her crumpled dirty socks and jeans on the counter. Gross. I pull out a bag and offer it to her. She says 'You have my old jeans.' Grr. I use the jeans to pick up the icky socks without touching them and put them in the bag. OBNOXIOUS!

She's on her way out of the store, but no. she's back. She wants to know if the jeans are going to set off the door alarm. There's a tag inside I say but you'll have to take the jeans off to cut it out. 'Ok' she says, so I pull the scissors out of the drawer. She's looking inside her waistband for the sensor. I tell her it's farther down the leg, and try to hand her the scissors, but she comes behind the counter unbuttoning the jeans. 'Where is it?' I describe what it looks like. She pulls down her pants completely trying to find it. I try to look away and not see her gross anorexic legs and granny panties, but she wants ME to cut the tag for her. Off the charts obnoxious! What the hell? Who does that?

- L

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Can't you just take care of me?

I work in a doctors office where we take walk in patients. Well let me tell you they walk in and I have a room full of patients and they want to know why they have to wait. They have to get to the beach or they come in at 4:45pm and we close at 5 and want to get care.

When you ask why they did not come in earlier they just say, “and give up a day at the beach?” Like my time to go home is not important.

That’s when I say, “Well I can’t give up driving one hour to Southampton for you to come back tomorrow.”

- R

Saturday, September 23, 2006

The Ice Cream Prince and Princess

This couple came into our restaurant on a busy Friday night wanting "special attention". She was a young woman who appeared convinced that she was a Russian princess. He was a gentlemen carrying a good 20 years more than her.

This was a night we did about 500 covers BUT they decided that the two of them were so special so that had to sit at one of our booths, which we reserve for larger parties during the summer and on weekend nights (we only have 5 tables in the restaurant that seat more than 5 people). They did not take no for an answer from the hostess so insisted on speaking to the manager (who was quite busy fielding real complaints about real problems). The manager decided their 'problem' did not warrant her undivided attention and politely informed them they could choose from one of four tables, but the booths were not an option. The decided to harass her on three more occasions, insisting that they speak to her again about this same request of theirs.

When they finally chose a table that was satisfactory to their needs, they proceeded to monopolize all the waiter's time with silly, time-consuming questions as well as send back the first bottle of wine. They also chose to "special order" (ie: make up dishes that are not on our menu) several items--one of which carried a $2 surcharge.

When the bill arrived, they refused to pay the $2 and insisted on speaking to the manager whom they felt blew them off earlier. The manager, who'd had a long night, decided she was not going to speak to these people any longer as she'd already had enough of them. She instructed the server to encourage them to pay their bill. They did not. She called the police who arrived in about 3 minutes. The police supervised the complete bill paying process (including the $2). They were the last people dining in this area of the restaurant at the time and an employee overheard the woman crying saying, "I can't believe they called the police," and the gentleman saying, "Well, what did you expect? You gave them the impression we weren't going to pay."

Needless to say, they did not tip the server and then decided to sample about six flavors of ice cream (for free), leaving their slimy germ-ridden spoons all over the ice cream counter before departing. I suppose they were trying to get $2's worth?

- J

Friday, September 15, 2006

It takes a village...but not THIS village!!!

When leaving the beach one sunny weekend afternoon, I saw a toddler girl traveling the width of the beach, headed with determination toward the parking lot. It became apparent that no adult was with or watching her.

Couple A was leaving the beach at the same time. They noticed the girl, as well. I commented that perhaps the girl was headed toward couple B in the parking lot...'no', couple A said, 'They're friends of ours and the child doesn't belong to them.'

At this point, couple B hollers to couple A: 'forget it. She's not your responsibility...'

And couple A proceeded to the parking lot.

I didn't dare pick up the toddler to prevent her from wandering all the way up to Hill Street. Instead, I dropped my arms full of beach 'stuff,' ran down to water's edge, described the child to several groups sprawled on blankets...

Finally, one group of 40-something mommies said 'my god, SUSIE, that's YOUR daughter!!!' At this, mom sprang to her feet and caught up with the child who was now in the parking lot.

Not a word of thanks to me, of course. When I said THANK YOU to the mom as she loaded the girl into the car, she said (get ready, dear reader...): "Three nannies for three kids and this is what happens. They're fired.'

What about mom's responsibility????


Halsey Neck Beach Goer

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Observed while grocery shopping

Shopper #1 happily shopping and filling her cart. Shopper #2 comes along while #1 is looking at another item and reaches into #1's cart takes out a box of rice and puts it into her cart. #1 sees this and says, Hey, that's my cart you're taking my groceries, #2 says there are more boxes of rice down the isle to the right, and walks on.

Also I heard it said 2 times to other shoppers. "Why can't you locals shop during the week?" Well guess what? We locals work all week and can't get to the store on a weekday. We also have to pay the high price of living out here. Many locals have 2 & 3 jobs.



Saturday, August 19, 2006

Main Beach Plots For Sale

Editor’s note: This story blows my mind.

My husband and I went to Main Beach in East Hampton last week. My husband parked the car and I walked down to the ocean to setup my chair. I sat down and along comes a young woman with young children and a nanny who asked me, “How long are you staying at the beach?”


“A few hours I think.”

The young woman responds, “Well then would you mind moving because this is the place where my children like to play and I like to sit.”

I was so stunned by this request, I actually moved.

As soon as I did I realized not to mention this to my husband because he would have been furious at this family.

How can anyone feel so entitled to actually feel they own a spot on the beach?

This wasn’t any special location on the beach and the beach was not crowded.

Signed –

Looking for the real estate agent to buy a spot for myself

Why People Shouldn't Drive and Talk on Their Cellphone

I was leaving Walbaums after buying a few groceries and this woman was in front of me pushing her cart with one hand and chatting away on her cell phone, oblivious to the fact that anyone was behind her. Because her cart was quite full she was having difficultly navigating the exit while on the cell phone and only using one hand to steer the cart. I finally tapped her on the shoulder and said "this is why they don't let people drive while they are on their cell." She gave me an annoyed look but at least let me pass!

Submitted by Anonymous

Monday, August 14, 2006

The Incensed Lady and Sleeping Mask Guy

Riding the Ambassador class Jitney this morning I got to experience something I haven’t seen yet. I boarded at 6:30am in East Hampton to an empty bus and boarded with about six other passengers.

We stopped in Watermill and apparently the stewardess asked a lady boarding if she had a reservation.

This is necessary because this is a reservation only bus.

This lady became incensed that she asked for her name and checked it on the manifest and called it in. Why? Because I gathered later on that she called in the reservation that morning and the passenger manifest is printed out the night before. If they accidentally bumped someone there would be a really big problem.

The incensed lady sat in a window seat next to a gentleman who proceeded to pull out a sleep mask so he could sleep on the way into Manhattan.

Now the fun begins, the lady asks the stewardess for a receipt, which she provided, then she demanded that the stewardess write her name on the back so she could lodge a formal complaint. The stewardess already has apologized multiple times regarding the misunderstanding explaining that it’s her job to ask. I give extra kudos to the stewardess for not giving up her name.

Not good enough, the incensed lady continues to raise her voice and wakes sleeping mask guy next to her. Sleeping mask guy has a buddy sitting across the isle who he lifts the mask to and smiles. At this point the incensed lady apologizes for waking him. Why screaming was necessary, who knows?

What I did forget to add was the entire time the incensed lady was so upset she was talking to herself.

Once we arrive in Manhattan sleeping mask guy and his buddy start chatting about the reason they pay $5 extra for the Ambassador is to avoid episodes like we all experienced.


The Editor

Friday, August 11, 2006

A night at the movies

My fiancé and I went to the movies last night in East Hampton and we had three rude encounters.

1)      Standing in line – We purchased our tickets online and while waiting to pick them up the man behind me kept chest butting me. One push knocked jutted us forward almost into the next person. Then when I finally got my tickets, this VIP decided to push me to the side to get to the counter.

2)      Getting some soda, popcorn, and nachos – My fiancĂ© went into the theater to get our seats, I waited in line behind a lady who then proceed to have 7 other youngsters draft on her order. Which is fine, but one girl waiting behind me in line, she was about 8, I encouraged her to join her friends but she didn’t want to cut. I insisted. What happened next? A woman, then proceeded to ask if she could cut the line. Nice.

3)      Pop-corn thief – We started watching the movie, at one point I put the bag of popcorn down on the seat next to me. Later on I reached for the bag of popcorn and it was gone. I looked back and the man behind us was eat our popcorn. Not wanting to make a scene I held my tongue. It was just like the Seinfeld episode with the guy stealing the raisins.


Bruised, hassled, and hungry

Saturday, August 5, 2006

Please scare the driver so everyone dies

On the Jitney to East Hampton yesterday, a lady thought it would be a great idea to walk up to the front of the bus while the driver is trying to cross traffic on 27 and ask if she could sit in the front row.

She scared the driver almost half dead.

You might think this wasn’t too bad, but she crouched down right behind her, the driver didn’t see her coming in the rear view mirror. Then she asked her question.


The Weekly Commuter

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

How to spit on the windshield of the car behind you when you are driving a convertible

Driving back from Watermill with my daughter last summer we were behind a convertible at a traffic light.


Light turns green the man driving doesn’t go, so I toot the horn to get him moving.

He speeds off, leans his head all the way back and spits up into the air. His spit ball hits my windshield, simultaneously he slams on his breaks hoping that I rear end his car.

For the rest of the drive back to East Hampton, he would speed up then jam on his breaks.



Sorry about reminding you the light was green

Monday, July 24, 2006

Does exit only really mean exit only?

I was leaving a popular East Hampton grocery store parking lot using the designated exit (clearly marked exit only). As I'm pulling out a man driving a sports car comes racing in and we almost have a head on collision.

I press on my horn to make sure we don't have an accident. What does he do?

He pulls up along side of me and says, "What happened to you in your life to make you such a old angry woman?"

I drove off and hoped my son doesn't end up like him.

- Nice Old Grandmother

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Oh I'm sorry, did I just knock your cane out from underneath you?

The other day I was shopping in a local East Hampton store with a friend. I need a cane to get around and without it there's a good chance I'll fall over.

While waiting in line to check out a lady pushing a shopping cart who was on a mission to get to the bread baskets slammed into my cane. I proceeded to fall over, luckily my friend caught me.

Did she apologize? Yes

Would it have mattered if I hit the floor? No


Slow down and watch what you're doing