How to get seated faster

My wife and I decided to head to CittaNuova for dinner Thursday night. We sat right near the hostess desk and heard an earful of good times. Most people would not be happy with this table, but we were able to sit quickly and listen to the ensuing fun.

The highlight of the evening was when two women came in and approached the hostess.

"How long for a table?"

Hostess replies nicely, "30-35 minutes."

"Uh, well is there any place else to eat in town?"

Hostess replies nicely, "Well you can walk around, there's Sam's and Rowdy Hall."

"What kind of restaurants are those?"

Hostess again replies nicely as she is busy with real customers, "Italian and American."

Off they go, but right behind them is a couple. He puts their name on the list and is nice to the hostess.

About 10 minutes later the dynamic duo shows back up and asks to put their name on the list. "I'm really hungry."

Hostess, who at this point should tell them they've run out of food, nicely replies, "Sorry, but I can't seat people based on their hunger levels."

They then camped themselves at the gelato case and grabbed a waiter asking if they could have some bread. While this occurred the nice couple who had been behind them on their first visit were promptly seated.

- The Editor

The Home Stretch

Yes, it's true. The summer is almost over.

There is still time to get your very own Rude Hamptons bumper sticker.

Submit your rude Hamptons story either via email or via our hot line - 631-771-8361.

I'm still working on East Hampton Fireworks plans, but if people are interested I might be able to hand out some bumper stickers. Leave me a comment and let me know if there is any interest.
The Editor

WTF on the LIRR

My friend and I were taking the train back from the city when the following conversation occurred between two gentleman a few seats ahead of us.

"Ugh...f***ing train...Y'know what I hate? Those f***ing people who sit on the f***ing trains and make out!"

"Oh- I know! They are so f***ing annoying! It's like, get a f***ing room! Who are you to disturb my f***ing train ride?"

"Y'know that f***ing column in the paper, about f***ers who f***ing piss people off in the train? We should f***ing submit our story to those f***ers."

I've probably left some choice words out, but, needless to say, my friend and I were flabbergasted. Disturb your ride? How dare they!

-S

Four Simple Tips To Avoid Dying and other Personal Calamities

Ah yes, that lovely time of year we call Memorial Day is once again upon us. Here are some lovely tips to our day trippers, weekenders, three or four monthers, etc, as this time of year can surely become rather dangerous to anyone and everyone.

Tip One:

Summer, when a Sunday drive before church becomes an adrenaline-fueled game of chicken with 3-50 bicyclists, riding side by side down our scenic "country" roads. Wearing unflatteringly tight spandex of a plethora of clashing fluorescent epilepsy-inducing colors, they have a tendency to dive in and out of oncoming traffic like crazed deer at the sight of headlights. That double yellow line running down the middle of the road is not intended as a bicycle lane, my friend, and those loud greenhouse gas inducing objects coming at you or honking madly as you slow down traffic do indeed have front bumpers for a reason.

Tip Two:

A warm, inviting Friday night on the town can also have its hazards. What should be a stroll through the crosswalk of Main Street on your way to a ten-fifty it-better-be-good movie becomes a race for your life, since the signal for pedestrians to walk safely has an average lifespan of about 1.26534 seconds. Perhaps that little green man should be edited, because to me he looks like he's walking, not sprinting the fifty yard dash. Stop lights are not a mere suggestion for a Lexus or a Mercedes, you are just as obligated to stop as that landscaper truck waiting next to you.

For those who have failed to translate the little sign that reads "Yield to pedestrians", in English it means "For the Love of God Don't Hit That Person Crossing The Street!!"

Tip Three:

It is not considered polite or professional to curse and then spit at the young lady or gentleman who made your lunch at one of our many local food establishments, while calling her an idiot because she put iceberg lettuce on your tree bark and tofu sandwich instead of romaine. Think about it, do you REALLY want to eat food that was made or remade by a person who is secretly wishing to hit you with a crow bar? I wouldn't.

Tip Four:

Have you ever wondered why, after entering a quiet local bar and ordering a tutti frutti razzle dazzle drink that involves being mixed drop by drop, shaken exactly 37 and a half times, poured into a champagne flute and then topped with an umbrella and a three foot yellow twisty straw (Hold the cherry), that you get laughed at and possibly assaulted before the end of the night? That's because you've entered an establishment of normal, average people. If you want something fancy that tastes like pixie sticks, go to one of those places where you have to pay to snort flavored oxygen. You're the reason why a simple beer in a bottle is a whopping five dollars.

Here's to another Summer in The Hamptons, and I hope you take these kind words of advice and cherish them, to make this season as happy as the last.

-E

Rude Hamptons Vocabulary

We want to wish everyone a Happy Holiday and Happy New Year.

The Rude Hamptons are in the process of collecting the Rude Hamptons Vocabulary list.

Cit-idiot - Idiot from the city

Tour-on - Moron tourist

Please share your vocabulary words in the comments below.

Thanks